Here’s some parenting advice I’ve learned from being a dad for the last 11 years. I wish I could say I knew all this from the beginning, but I didn’t. It took a lot of hard work on my end to break the bad habits I didn’t even realize I had!
It also took an incredible amount of love, patience, and support from my extraordinary wife, Stacey. All the inner struggles and uncomfortable feelings I went through (swallowing my pride, keeping my Ego in check, not making excuses, etc.) were worth it. I’ve got two amazing kids who will grow up to contribute in big ways because they believe they can!
Here’s a few lessons I learned. Perhaps it will help you. If you’re already doing this, good for you! If not, start today. You’ll be glad you did and so will your family!
- Avoid teasing your kid(s). I grew up in a family that lovingly teased each other. The problem is even though you might think you’re being funny, the sarcasm can really hurt your child’s feelings. I’ve coached clients who struggled most of their lives due to hurtful words and comments made by parents and grandparents. Life is tough enough. They don’t need you to “toughen them up.” They need to know you are their biggest fan!
- Show your kid(s) lots of affection. A hug, pat on the back, high-five, stopping everything you’re doing to make eye-contact for a few minutes, these are all non-verbal cues that let your child know s/he is important to you! Make sure they know every day that they are more important than your smartphone, laptop, and busy schedule!
- If you’re going to yell, do it strategically. When adults yell, it’s usually a sign they have just lost control. I’d be patient and then lose it and start yelling. What stopped this was when I observed my 8-year old yelling at his 4-year old brother, just like his dad. Now when I raise my voice, it’s more controlled and on purpose. I rarely do this, and when I do, I use volume merely to get my boy’s attention (they can be loud!) Once I have their attention, I bring the volume back down but maintain the seriousness. I then physically direct them (walk my kid to the bathroom, point at the dishes that need put in the sink), rather than yelling orders from the couch or home office.
- Hold your kid(s) accountable and be consistent! The key to developing any new habit is repetition and consistency. Your child needs to know what’s expected and be held responsible for that behavior every time. Otherwise, s/he get’s sent mixed messages. If I tell my kid “no” and then say “yes” because I’m too tired to argue, I’ve set both of us up for more pain and struggle down the road. Whole books are written on just this one point because it’s so important!
- Tell your kid(s) what to do, instead of what not to do. If I tell my kid, “Don’t throw that toy” he’s going to throw it because his brain heard “throw the toy!” The human brain has difficulty understanding “negative suggestions.” Instead, express what you want to have happen. “Please put the toy over here or over there. You chose. Do it now.”
I could go on because I’ve learned so much about myself and life from being a father. But I’d rather get off the computer and go play with my boys. I hope you take this day to do the same with your kiddos. And while you’re at it, thank your wife for being awesome. She has a tough job too!
Tim, Max, and Aiden – 1st Day of School (Just Kidding)