(To watch the One Final Mission webinar replays, click here.)
“That haircut looks stupid and if nobody else is going to tell you, I will.”
“You can’t let your kids get away with that behavior. You need to know how to discipline them.”
“You keep eating like that and your weight is going to get more out of control than it already is.”
Since I received quite a response from my last email on the destruction of sarcasm, let’s continue that conversation.
The Baby Boomer generation is often referred to (by Baby Boomers) as the “greatest generation” because they won World War II and put a man on the moon.
Yet, they also had parents who were survivors of the great depression, and life was tough for most families.
As a result, many unconscious self-limiting beliefs passed through the family timeline, one being that “someone’s got to tell it like it is (so you don’t get hurt).”
Even though the intention behind the comments may originate from a positive place, most experience them as harsh, abrupt, and even abusive.
I’ve noticed a pattern when helping clients deal with parents who are repeatedly offending them.
Adult children of rude parents point at themselves and say, “What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep attracting selfish people into my life?”
Instead, imagine pointing that figure towards the person offending you.
Then ask, “What did they experience as a child that causes them to show up in this way?”
Or, “What’s the best way to set a boundary with them and maintain it?”
First, stop acting like you are the problem when the person making hurtful remarks should take responsibility.
Second, asking yourself what that person experienced as a child to behave in such a manner generates curiosity, understanding, and even compassion, which are empowering resource (emotional) states.
Viewing an angry father or dramatic mother as a wounded child can help you realize how they are acting has nothing to do with you.
Third, setting boundaries and having uncomfortable conversations with parents that are causing stress with your family, marriage, or self-confidence need confronting.
Often, the only way to get past their resistance (denial, pity party, anger, justifications) is to treat them the way they are treating you.
I sat in on one such intervention between a father (age 70) and daughter (age 47).
Her father would lean in, point his finger in her face, and lecture her on whatever he felt was necessary at that moment without stopping to hear what she had to say.
As difficult as it was for her, she then pointed her finger back in his face and began yelling at him about several of the poor choices he was making in life.
Her father sat there with a shocked look as though nobody had ever spoken to him that way before.
He started to get loud again, but she stood up and yelled even louder.
The intensity of her reaction startled him, and he got quiet again.
Once she finished releasing years of pent-up hurt and anger, I spoke up.
“You have a choice,” I said to her father.
“Now that you have experienced how you come across to your daughter, and likely everyone else, you can use this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.”
Then the daughter spoke up and said, “Or, do nothing and you won’t be seeing me or your grandchildren for a very long time.”
That was not what she wanted, but she had to get his attention, and it worked.
He said, “I guess I’m just an idiot. I don’t know what to say without sticking my foot in my mouth.”
I replied, “You need to stop acting like a victim by calling yourself an idiot just because your daughter showed how your comments have made her feel.
I do believe that you’re not sure how to communicate in a better way because you were probably never taught how to do that.
So here are two steps that will be difficult to apply, but they will make your life and your daughter’s life much happier.
Step one: Do a lot more listening and much less talking.
Step two: Compliment people instead of “telling them how it is.”
Listen and compliment. You will slip back into old communication habits because that’s all you’ve known for seventy years, but your daughter will remind you.
When she does, appreciate her for it without defending, explaining, or raising your voice.
Also, when you communicate with someone, watch their mouth.
If the person’s lips start moving, they want to say something. That’s your cue to get quiet so they can respond.”
Over the next couple of weeks, their relationship began improving.
She had to remind her father several times to stop lecturing, which he did.
He also complimented her for the first time in her life, and she was stunned.
As a result, she called more, which made him happy.
If your life isn’t the way you’d like it to be, stop wishing it were better and learn how to make it so.
I’m here if you would like assistance.
🙂 Tim Shurr
​Your OBA Coach
​(317) 502-5293
PS, To watch the One Final Mission webinar replays, click here.
During that OFM webinar, we talked about living in the “age of anxiety,” how the One Belief Away™ method frees people from past trauma, and Sergeant 1st Class, Josh Kempf, gave a moving testimonial about the importance of preventing Veteran suicide due to PTSD.
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Then I taught everyone how to quickly and effortlessly shift from anxiety and procrastination to feeling calm, confident, and motivated.
It was awesome!